Like the parting question "red clock / How will you break?" The metaphor is well constructed. Also the metaphor of the incarnation of fate/destiny manifested invisibly or hidden in the heart is nice. However, not sure how I feel about the two lines where the effect of the imitation of nature with the repetition of the word 'blood' appears. Not sure the effect is working on me. Has something of the horror genre to see the word blood quite so many times and perhaps distracts/overshadows a bit from the poem's more delicate and subtle formulations? Thanks for sharing another bit of your ongoing work!
Just reread the poem but this time as if the phrases "blood beat" and "blood seconds" each appeared only once. It's an interesting effect. I think I like the poem better that way. Don't know. It's obviously your universe to master, but at least makes an interesting way of looking at it anew. "red clock/How will you break?" is a fantastic poetic expression.
Thank you, Yeason! I like your suggestion, actually. I was trying to recreate the sound of a heartbeat in words, but maybe it is distracting and/or silly. Also, though, the meaning changes from "blood beat" to "beat blood" and "blood seconds" to "seconds blood," see? I want to keep this change in meaning (creates an essential paradox). But I think it remains even as you've revised it...Yes! It does! GREAT suggestion! Thanks for being the only person to visit this almost universe :]; I think I'll disable the analytics...
Hi Sara, Yes, I read it twice with and without and I can't decide on "in my ear". On the one hand without it the poem is made even more spare (a good thing in this case I think) as it allows the subtler formulations to gain power and take the central role that is more properly theirs. On the other hand "in my ear" creates a kind of transitional turn of phrase between a sound and a phrase centered on vision ("I cannot see this time"). It's a difficult decision. You could always try for a different transition too, i suppose. Regardless, it has a kind of brutal brevity now which I like. Reminds me of some of the better aspects of Japanese haiku.
I like "in my ear" better because I'm not sure what "in my here" means in literal terms--though I do understand some of the punning/figurative meanings..
Like the parting question "red clock / How will you break?" The metaphor is well constructed. Also the metaphor of the incarnation of fate/destiny manifested invisibly or hidden in the heart is nice. However, not sure how I feel about the two lines where the effect of the imitation of nature with the repetition of the word 'blood' appears. Not sure the effect is working on me. Has something of the horror genre to see the word blood quite so many times and perhaps distracts/overshadows a bit from the poem's more delicate and subtle formulations? Thanks for sharing another bit of your ongoing work!
ReplyDeleteJust reread the poem but this time as if the phrases "blood beat" and "blood seconds" each appeared only once. It's an interesting effect. I think I like the poem better that way. Don't know. It's obviously your universe to master, but at least makes an interesting way of looking at it anew. "red clock/How will you break?" is a fantastic poetic expression.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Yeason! I like your suggestion, actually. I was trying to recreate the sound of a heartbeat in words, but maybe it is distracting and/or silly. Also, though, the meaning changes from "blood beat" to "beat blood" and "blood seconds" to "seconds blood," see? I want to keep this change in meaning (creates an essential paradox). But I think it remains even as you've revised it...Yes! It does! GREAT suggestion! Thanks for being the only person to visit this almost universe :]; I think I'll disable the analytics...
ReplyDeleteI also think I should perhaps eliminate the line "in my ear." What do you think?
ReplyDeleteHi Sara, Yes, I read it twice with and without and I can't decide on "in my ear". On the one hand without it the poem is made even more spare (a good thing in this case I think) as it allows the subtler formulations to gain power and take the central role that is more properly theirs. On the other hand "in my ear" creates a kind of transitional turn of phrase between a sound and a phrase centered on vision ("I cannot see this time"). It's a difficult decision. You could always try for a different transition too, i suppose. Regardless, it has a kind of brutal brevity now which I like. Reminds me of some of the better aspects of Japanese haiku.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Yeason!!! I know you don't really like puns, but what about "in my here;" it has a triple meaning!!!
ReplyDeleteI like "in my ear" better because I'm not sure what "in my here" means in literal terms--though I do understand some of the punning/figurative meanings..
ReplyDelete